Prepare yourself for the unthinkable

In the latest front on the War on Drugs, the U.S. Government has decided to undermine the efforts of black-market drug traffickers by introducing its own new designer recreational substances. The first of these new substances is set to be tested on human subjects next month, and released into wide public distribution within the next six to eight months. Details of the effects of the first of these new designers substances are as follows:

Brand Name: Suckonal

Onset: Feels like being in rush-hour traffic for 45 minutes.

Plateau: Intense humilating hallucinations that you are stuck in a dimly lit cube which last for eight hours.

Peak: One hour of "free" space in the middle of the plateau where you are allowed to eat lunch.

Coming Down: Another 45 minutes of rush-hour traffic.

Lingering Effects: Exhaustion and dissociation similar to drinking beer in front of the television until passing out on the couch.

Side Effects: Experience may recur day after day with little or no relief, except on weekends.

Suckonal was originally developed by the U.S. Department of Labor to give to high school kids in order to prepare them for the "real world". Officials at both the FDA and DEA are "hopeful" that Suckonal will soon become the recreational drug of choice for most Americans.