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An Apology and Withdrawal

A brief letter of apology to the Association, but who could forgive such carelesness?

MY APOLOGY TO THE ASSOCIATION will be short and to the point. I can no longer pretend to uphold the virtues so indicative of the fellowship of my peers.

The experiment was simple and well-known; many reading this now have completed it successfully. The Barkerson-Zsavaldi flux synthesis [Barkerson-Zsavaldi, 255] tank, fully filled with the proper bioelectrical gel, was attended by myself and one post-graduate student aide. The bioelectroflux was set in motion as prescribed in the texts, and small globoid systems began to form within the hour. Within three hours of full globoid formation — as expected fully from the outset — the 'ruptors began to manifest from within the fringes of the globoids.

To put it plainly, I was aware of the technical details of what was expected to occur, but I was not prepared for the ferocity with which these supposedly non-living systems devoured themselves. The process, of course, did not begin until the globoids had started to develop and extend reluctant tendril-sensors, none of which had the time to find another; within the initial moments of reaching, the 'ruptors triggered. As per the experimental data and hypothesis, not a one of the globoid-systems had time to react in any way to any other, regardless of proximity. This, perhaps, made matters worse for me. If a globoid or two had only been able to make contact, respond to its apparent environment, it might not have been so horrible a spectacle. But, as per the data and hypothesis, each globoid slowly turned in on itself, just as their tendrils were beginning to grasp beyond their borders, just as some neared utterly the aborted points of contact. Within one globoid, the 'ruptors cropped up like spontaneous little flaws in the smooth and fluid fabric of its walls. We had a good chance to look into the microscope at one such 'ruptor, and I believe it was perhaps here that my mind snapped altogether.

Tiny little rifts formed, rending the delicate and pulsing fabric of a fractional area of the globoid. The edges of the rift itself shivered with tiny little gnawing and writhing teeth-like tendrils, and each of these tendrils had a thousand-million threaded spiny incisors. As the supple fabrics and roils of the globoid were sliced through, I saw momentarily in my mind the image of a soap-bubble bursting utterly with threads of decay, as if turning suddenly to smoke. This is what happened to the globoid wall. As the tissue frayed and splayed open, tell-tale whisps of lustrus [Snodson, 44] shimmered away into the surrounding plasma. I stepped away from the microscope at this point, shaken but prepared to take my notes. Then I saw the rest of the tank. It seemed to quiver, and then all at once it broke into a multiplied but self-contained riot of frenzy. I stepped the microscope back a few thousand times, and gazed at one single whole globoid. It was slicing and ripping itself asunder — or rather, the 'ruptors were doing their job, setting up tiny fluctuations in the flowing of the globoia, which then billowed into the clawing cacophony previously seen up close. In every case, in each globoid, this seemed to happen all-but-simultaneously. All at once the tank had broken into its fevered gnawing and thrashing and rending. Slivers of globoia whisped away from their globoid in the tank. I began to weep.

I looked on, dazed, for the twelve minutes longer which had been perfectly projected by the data and hypothesis to remain before the entire cluster was utterly decimated and dissipated. At the time, I felt a most peculiar thing: helpless. I realized slowly that I no longer had a place within the Association; I looked upon this slivering rush of entropy with eyes which would never again be dissuaded from the faith that they had gnown evil. I left the final stages of the experiment for my aide, who was apparently unaffected by the display.

Walking outside of the lab, I looked around at my world. Across the street, absurd little children shot each other by a swing-set. A car whisked past, and an elderly lady in front of the corner market gasped as the bottom of her paper sack burst open, spilling her goods all over the pavement. A glass jar of liquid was broken, and spatters of silvery-beige splayed across the pavement much like the 'ruptor incisor-tendrils had the currents of the globoids inside. I began to giggle, and I shook with tears. Here is what had made me laugh: when the sack broke, I had uttered in my mind an oddly-placed phrase: "The qabalists tell us, 'as above so below.'" With that in mind, I could not tell — I had no way of gnowing — whether I was, in this larger world model, fated to be a globoid or a 'ruptor. I feared the latter, and this made me smile.

Clearly I have no place in the Association any longer, and so do hereby respectfully rescind my membership voluntarily, thus avoiding any messy ostracization-rites.

Tags : psychedelic
Rating : Teen - Drugs
Posted on: 2000-02-03 00:00:00