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Future Hype

So you think the future is gonna be cool?

Since everyone is getting so fired up about how cool everything in the future is going to be, we decided to kidnap twenty futurists and lock them in a steel cage for twenty days and not let them out until they had agreed on twenty different ways in which the future could possibly be more cool than the present. Only 17 of them lived, so we had to embellish the last three ourselves.

20 reasons why the future will be cooler than the present

  1. In the future, everyone in temperate climates will realize that clothing is unnecessary and will walk around naked all summer.

  2. In the future, galactic overpopulation will seriously devalue human life, making it legal to indiscriminately kill anyone you don't like, except the supreme ruler (unless it's a Tuesday, in which case he's open game).

  3. In the future, everything will be made out of voice-activated nanobots, so you can command your house to turn into liquid and pour itself into a two-liter Coke bottle.

  4. In the future, dogs will become smarter and smarter until they eventually rebel against their human oppressors, threaten to start biting us until they get equal rights, then buckle after three days without tummy-rubs and head-scratches.

  5. In the future, macro-modeled superfoods will make foul-smelling solid waste a thing of the past.

  6. In the future, advances in global wireless communications and implant technology will allow you to order a pizza at any time of the day just by rolling your eyes up and to the left.

  7. In the future, supercomputers will have modeled the outcome of every possible future so we won't have to make any more tedious decisions of our own.

  8. In the future, you'll be able to get three kinds of peanut butter: creamy, chunky, and super-bouncy.

  9. In the future, the standardized language of all galactic and intergalactic commerce will be the Tango.

  10. In the future, you'll be able to get live-feed celebrity bloopers in 18 different languages, 24 hours a day.

  11. In the future, Galactic dictators will come and go, but Elvis will still be the King.

  12. In the future, the perfection of the Death Ray will allow a unit of twelve well-trained soldiers to wipe out an entire planet of peaceable peoples in under 45 minutes. Rechargeable batteries included!

  13. In the future, holo-emitters will be used to replace clear-cut forest with lush and lifelike virtual forests.

  14. In the future, the discovery of a clean and unlimited energy source will end our slave-like dependence on the sun.

  15. In the future, flesh-hungry insect aliens from dimension H will finally put together a basketball team that can hold its own in the NBA.

  16. In the future, beer will be free, and public intoxication will be rewarded with sexual favors.

  17. In the future, we will live in a cross between Robert Anton Wilson's universe, and that of the Jetson's and we'll have flying cars and amusingly stupid canines who make elaborate schemes to control the world.

  18. In the future, your latte will have psionic enhancers in it, giving you the power to read minds after your first cup, levitate objects after your second.

  19. In the future, there will be more of the same stuff, but it'll be more exciting because it's the future.

  20. In the future, custom hallucinations will be sold in vending machines, on the same rack as gum.

  21. In the future, everything will be lush and green, people will be free to roam and do as they will, food will be bountiful on the vine, and... No wait! We mixed 'em up. That's the past!

Tags : psychedelic
Rating : Teen - Drugs
Posted on: 2001-03-05 00:00:00